Saturday, September 02, 2006

Don't Fall Asleep At The Schaeffers

The time: 2:54am. The place: the Schaeffer bedroom. We are both sleeping quietly, peacefully unaware of the danger walking into the room. It jumps onto the bed, stirring me slowly from my slumber. Then I hear it..... psssssssss..... the smell hits me, forcing my eyes open. My wife wakes up laughing realizing what has happened. The rest of the night involves creatures walking on and over our heads. This story is a normal occurance in our house. The cause is more sinister than you expect. Nemesis. Enforcer. Krystal.

This is Enforcer. He's the BAD cat. The stinky cat. He thinks he's either a kitten or a dog. He is a touble maker. He is a "gassy" cat. The biggest thing is this, no matter what the wife(mommy in his eyes) is doing, he has to be right beside her. Working on bills and assorted paperwork, he's right there. Enforcer is guilty of walking on us while we sleep, he can wake us up to pet and play with him. The stuff he does makes you want to hug him to pieces or dropkick him into the next century. But, when you hear his whiny meow your heart just melts.

Nemesis is Enforcer's sister. She is a whiny little brat. she doesn't want to be held, but she LOVES the brush. You can't stop brushing her. She won't let you stop. Nemy is what the wife and I call a "Little Pretty Princess Prissy Pants". You feed her she cries. You eat and she starts the whine. She won't climb on me while I sleep (no, she lays at my head sometimes, getting fur in my mouth), but she will crawl on mommy. You know how cats kneed to make a comfortable spot to lay down on? Nemesis does this - ON MOMMY"S BACK! I mean, come on now, it's like a kitty massage parlor here! Maybe I'm just jealous. She does it to mommy but not me. Fuzzball.

Finally, there's Krystal. The baby. The runt. The former alley cat. The tormented little soul who doesn't seem to get any peace. What a crock. Krystal is no relation to Enforcer, even though they are almost the same shade of grey. She was a cat who came from a co-worker whose little girl turned out to be allergic to cats. I said "Shure! Hand 'er over!" BIG MISTAKE. Before she was "fixed" she would wake us up going (loudly, I might add) "Meow meow meow meow meow." Enforcer picks on her constantly and she only rests when he sleeps. Thank goodness for that. When he chases her, they ram through the house like madcats. All in all she's a pleasant kitten, but when mommy comes home, she's right there getting tripped over by the wife.

So if you take a nap at our house, don't say we didn't warn you about the three balls of fur. They most likely won't let you sleep. No wonder the wife and I sleep at work. Catch you on the flipside.

Next Time: Click! That Was Easy!

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